I’ve been told I have EXCELLENT veins.  Nice, thick, blue, and juicy.  Nurses LOVE me.  They do their little thwack, smack, and pop on my vein, strap that rubber thingy around my arm and go. to. town.

I was getting a spinal epidural cortisone shot the other day, fun times, let me tell you.  I received an awesome compliment. I was lying there as this burning numbing Novocaine was slowly rolling itself through my back, and was told : “You’re doing fantastic! We have 300-400 pound men that are weeping right now.”  I thought to myself, is it the weight or the sex?  hmmm

Then I felt this weird dripping all over my back and I’m panicking a little. I’m mostly panicking because my face is trapped in this tiny hole, I have to take shallow breaths of my hot breath coming back at me, and I have this weird psychological thing from my asthma where if I can’t get a good breath, I get a little oogie.  So I jerked a bit and said gently and delicately, as only I can: “Holy shi-, crap, sorry, am I BLEEDING?”  The doctor laughed and said: “No, what? No, it’s cleaning solution, no STOP MOVING, I’m in the perfect spot, and well, uhh..just don’t move.”

I didn’t move. I just kept shallow breathing my hot carbon dioxide nasty air for a few more minutes as my chest began to feel like Hulk Hogan decided to use me for a Lazy-Boy.  I finally get to sit up, and get another compliment of how wonderful I did, I must have a high pain threshold and they couldn’t ask for a better patient.

Cue me beginning to hyperventilate and grabbing my chest  like some ridiculous Saturday Night Live skit.  The doctor is looking at me like I grew a third eye, which would be so cool, can you imagine? Yikes, I digress.  So I’m trying to explain it feels like a gall stone attack. I got nothing, obviously, HER gall bladder hadn’t failed her like mine had.  Then I said it felt like the gas they pumped into you after a gallbladderectomy…she laughed and said that wasn’t the word…whatever, does she know what I mean? no…

Ok, I said it feels like ANDRE THE GIANT is using me for a futon! THAT she gets…they wheel me to my husband to whom I pant :”I had a weird reaction that no one has ever had before.”  He looks at me with his quirky side grin and said :”Of COURSE you did, baby.”

The doctor come in and it was getting better. And then she said the most lovely thing a 5’6″, 130 pound doctor that looked like a soft Elvira without the extra “you knows”. She said : “Well, sweetie, we pumped a LOT of cortisone in you, and you’re so tiny that it’s a pretty big deal.”  I looked right at her and my husband and said :”TINY? You’re my new best friend.”

So not only did I get told I have great veins, I’m a much better shot taker than the average obese man, and I’m tiny, my husband took me to Coldstone Creamery where I got the size that lets you put ANYTHING you want in your ice cream without extra charge, AND I got to go home and take a nap.

Oh, yeah, and I got Valium, too. 🙂

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