Carcolepsy is a condition where one falls asleep uncontrollably in a moving vehicle, usually in the passenger seat, sometimes in the driver’s seat.

I have this condition, and dammit, I coined this term in the mid 90’s (I HAVE WITNESSES!!!), and I see it online on the urban dictionary and there is absolutely no credit to my name.

I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how many caffeinated drinks I have, how much sleep I had prior, how loud my husband has Ice T, Ice Cube, or Vanilla Ice (ok, he never has him on) on the CD player, but as soon as that car starts moving, my neck and head start doing the bounce down to my ample bosom.

It’s a joke, really.  Five minutes in the car, and I hear: “Sleeping, baby?”  I whip my head up to look over to my husband’s lopsided grin, and of course, I say no.  Doesn’t everyone say no when someone asks if you’re sleeping?  Why do we do that?  You’re sleeping and the phone rings, and they ask: “Oh, did I wake you up?”  We usually say “No, I was just…”, or “No, it’s ok, I was just waking up, ” or something like that.  No one ever says: “Yeah, I was sleeping the most peaceful sleep I’ve ever had in my entire life.  The sleep where angels weep thinking of sleeping like this, and you had to go and call me and disturb the most fantastical slumber known to man, thanks a lot, there, sizzlechest.”

Lately, and by lately, I mean the last few years, I’ve been having short carcoleps (that’s what they call them on the streets, yo) while driving.  Nothing to be alarmed about, my car is awesome, and totally steers me right back on the road, but it’s unnerving.  I’m usually never driving alone, so that’s upsetting, considering I’ve got two kids still in car seats behind me.  Lucky for me, my spawn are always needing something: juice, snacks, attention, Ernie and Elmo, a blankie, an award for the loudest scream known to man because his brother took the last freakin’ Ritz cracker, so my carcoleps don’t last more than a millisecond.

I wish there was something that could be done about that.  I do think it’s the time of day.  I’m usually driving between 7 – 8 AM, and 2:30 – 3:30 PM, and you know from the commercials that the 2:30 feeling is the WORST!  Maybe all I need is a 5 hour energy drink before I go out and about…

OR, my husband and I could finally win the Megamillions and I could hire a driver to take me everywhere, that would be fantastic. I’d be like a celebrity! Of course, I’d probably sleep through the paparazzi…

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