You know how in a scary movie someone always investigates a weird noise?  In my house it’s usually me saying: “I wouldn’t do that. Why is she doing that, don’t they watch scary movies?  They have to know it’s all bad, right? WHY IS SHE GOING DOWN THERE?”  Then my husband shoves a Cheeto in my mouth and we carry on.

Or when someone in the movies puts their hand down into the garbage disposal (because those things ALWAYS get stuck/break/eat a diamond ring) and starts rooting around.  How many muscles clench that you didn’t even know you had watching that scene?  My knees instantly draw up inside my nostrils and I’m saying: “Oh my God, don’t stick your hand in there. Why is she sticking her hand in there? Oh, this is going to be all bad.”  Pop goes another Cheeto.

I promise I’m not that annoying during shows. I swear it.  Shut up, I’m not.

Anyway, I get all uber-annoyed that these people are doing things that are obviously going to get them maimed, eaten, killed, tortured, kidnapped, or impregnated by a vegetable.  Then I realized I do these things, too. Occasionally, I hear a noise and I go investigate.  It wouldn’t occur to me that I’m going to die.  It also wouldn’t occur to me to think: “Hmm, that sounded like a rabid raccoon is trying to eat my children, I think I might have some Fritos,” and not investigate.  Same with the disposal.  I HAVE to look, although I admit, it skeeves me out to stick my hand in there. I was young when I saw “The Blob”.

Mr. Who is always the one who gets up to check and I’m grateful. I remember a conversation a long time ago with a friend of mine named Tom.  He asked why men are always expected to get up and check instead of the women.  I surmised it was because they are usually stronger and the protector of the family.  His reply: “No, Carrie, it’s because if they don’t, their wife will tell everyone what a coward he was that he made her go investigate a stupid animal when she had a little cold.”  Dude, she had pneumonia, and it was a BEAR.

Last night we had an episode such as this to a lesser proportion.  Mr. Who and I were half-asleep, I was snuggled up on his chest finally in that one position where my neck wasn’t at an angle that made it easy for a vampire to tie a bib on and go to town, and suddenly we heard a weird thumping noise.  We laughed thinking it was our ceiling fan which always seems to make the most godawful racket right when we’re falling asleep.  It stops. We drift. We hear it again, louder.  More thumping. I’m thinking, yeah, I’m not getting up to see what that is.

More thumping and splashing. Ahh, not the fan, it’s the fish.

Mr. Who says they were probably just playing, having fun, Fight Club, whatever they do. More thumping, splashing. Silence long enough for me to relax. Then more damn thumping.

I whisper to Mr. Who: “You’re dying to get up and see what that is aren’t you?”

“Oh my God, yes!” he says and jumps up.  He tries to see what’s going on in the tank but doesn’t want to turn the lights on to scare them. We still hear something. He finally turns on the light and goes to the side of the tank and says: “Ahh!” kind of sadly.  “What is it?” I ask.

“One of the Danios is on the floor.”

“What?! How did a fish get out of the tank?” This reminds me of the first algae eater we never found.

Mr. Who’s looking for a net, “That must have been what we heard, the other fish were pushing him out.”

Seriously? The top of the tank has a glass cover, then a wooden cover.  For that fish to get out, either the mob gang really wanted to off this poor little guy, or he was so afraid for his life that he pushed himself out to escape.  I get it, if this situation were reversed and I were about to be beaten and eaten by five or six people, I might jump in water and drown myself, too.

The fish was still flopping and Mr. Who tried to put it back in the tank, but it was obvious that he probably wasn’t going to make it. So he was given a porcelain funeral. I’m so glad Mr. Who got up to check because one of two things would have happened if he hadn’t:

1. Danny would have flopped all the way into the middle of the floor and I would have stepped on him on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night and there are no words for the sound of THAT scream.

2. Twin A would have found it by the fish tank and would have eaten half of it and came up to me with the other half saying: “Wan’ dis? Mama, wan’ dis?”

I would be fine with #2, fish is good for kids.

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