Here’s how my real life Walking Dead episode would go:

“Oh, no! The zombies are here, we’re supposed to remember cardio, the doubletap, and something else, but I can’t remember!” I wail.

“Take the kids to the basement and keep them quiet,” whispers Mr. Who tersely, tense with fear. Gripping the fireplace poker in his manly hands, he gestures us to the door. “Go, go, go!”

Teen Who at this moment will do one of two things. He will start to extrapolate on the misconceptions concerning zombies versus the infected, which he is completely right about, or he will be foraging around the kitchen for macaroni and cheese to take down with him.

I grab the 3 year olds, and Twin A fights me off: “No, don’ wanna go downsairs, I’m HONGRY.”

Near tears, I whisper: “Twin A, Mommy will get you some food, we just need to go downstairs for a minute. We need to be really, really quiet right now.” He nods, and starts walking quietly down the stairs.

We go downstairs in silence. Then spying his favorite thing across the room, Twin B says: “We go play drums!” Then runs over to the drum set, starts banging a rather rocking tune, calling attention to the house, and we’re all ate up by zombies within minutes.

This is why there are no zombie babies, toddlers, or elementary school kids in the Walking Dead. They have all been eaten because they. are. noisy.

And delicious. Like veal.

So remember folks, it is never too early to start teaching the “Quiet Game” and “Indoor Zombie Voices”; you don’t know when you might need it.

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