I have a bad knee. Like, really, really bad. Like so bad I’m gonna need a knee replacement soon, and I’m only 41. My doctor tells me to try to hold off for…TWENTY MORE YEARS!

Twenty! That’s 240 months or 7300 days. I’ll be lucky if I could hold off until Christmas.

See, your knee, and I’m going to try to simplify it here, is supposed to be full of stuff. My stuff is almost all gone, and what is left causes a grindy, crackly, goes out on me at any time, screamingly painful, puffy knee-like structure. It’s so noisy, I can’t sneak up on anyone anymore.

Cortisone shots are supposed to last from 3-6 months. Mine last 6 weeks. My doctor comfortingly told me I could probably just get a partial knee replacement.  Partial? Screw that, I want a bionic knee, and I want it to make Bionic Man noises.

I have a sexy knee brace I wear all the time that helps, but it still hurts all the time.

Now I might be weird, but I don’t mind smelling like Ben-Gay.  It reminds me of the white paste from first grade that I finally got up the nerve to try at the end of the year.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t taste like it smells.

Instead of Ben-Gay, I found Icy Hot, with a roll on applicator. Good stuff, works pretty well.

But last night, my generally congenial Icy Hot, turned on me with an evil like no other.

I rolled some on like usual, and it started working. A few hours later I decided to put a little more on, because the pain was starting to creep through the minty gel band-aid.

After about ten minutes, I felt a burning sensation. Then a few minutes after that an “on fire” sensation. I look down and my knee is bright red, and it feels like a million red ants were crawling on it with little red ant knives dipped in red ant chili pepper juice.

The pain! I read the back of the Icy Hot bottle, and it says: “If severe burning sensation occurs, discontinue use immediately.”

Thank God I read that, because the most obvious solution to my problem was TO PUT MORE ON.

I used baby wipes, dish soap, regular soap, soap-on-a-rope, burn relief spray, and first aid spray. Nothing worked except lying on my side whimpering for a few hours.

That did the trick. After 5 hours it did not hurt anymore.

The good thing was that it made me forget my knee pain for a while. THANKS ICY HOT!

So, my PSA is, when it says not to apply more than 3-4 times a day…make it 2, with 12 hours in between.

I have just decided the best course of action is for Mr. Who and I to buy Motrin. I don’t mean go to the store and buy Motrin. I mean the company.

I’m gonna need a lot of it.

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