I Wish I Had Cloned Myself 20 years Ago

Leave a comment

Wouldn’t that be great if everyone had the opportunity to clone themselves at the peak of their health, stamina, and gloriously long hair?

I’m longing for the days of 20+ years ago, when I was thinner, more in shape, and my left knee wasn’t popping like 3 different kinds of popping cereal.

I miss not having white hairs on my chin, under my chin, and in my eyebrows.

I miss being able to eat Doritos and Ho-Hos as a main diet in college, then walking it off everyday to class.

I wish it was mandatory to clone yourself, for free when you’re younger. Then you can have the opportunity later to transfer your cognizance into that body when yours starts running out of steam.

Morality, legality, ethics, and all that nonsense aside, if I could jump into my 21 year old body right now, I would in a heartbeat.

My husband wouldn’t recognize me, though, and would probably be afraid of my ginormous bangs and bushy hair.

I like to think I would take better care of THAT body and make sure I wasn’t creaky and old like I feel now at 43, but I know damn well, I’d run my second body into the ground, too. As long as there was still Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter World…

Advertisements

WOW, There IS an APP for That!

Leave a comment

So, I have decided to get with the 20th century and get me an iPhone.

(wait, what? It’s the 21st century? Man, it’s worse than I thought!) 

Nothing fancy, just the cheapest (read : free) one Verizon had at the store. So I am now the proud owner of an iPhone 4.

AND I’M LIKE A CAVEMAN WITH FIRE!

Not a GEICO caveman either, but one of the grunty kinds.

I now have personal understanding to the woes of AutoCorrect.  I always wondered why people didn’t just check before sending until I sent my son a text that said: “He drunken chicken Rudolph” instead of “Hey, dinner’s ready!” (and yes, I text him from the 1st floor because I’m old and creaky).

The Verizon guy was quick to inform me that it wasn’t actually a “phone” per se, but rather a little teeny, tiny laptop. Translation: you can’t always make calls or texts when you absolutely need to, but you CAN play Candy Crush.

(Priorities, people! I need my damn CANDY!)

I immediately take my teeny, tiny computer home and find every app I already have on my laptop and download it. While doing so, I was taken away into the app abyss with the millions of possibilities of things to add to my phone. I couldn’t believe what I found. Here’s a list of MUST HAVE apps that you didn’t know you needed!

1.  “Haircaster” will give you the weather conditions of the day, such as humidity and temperature so you know if you’re going to have a good hair day, bad hair day, or a CarrieLouWho hair day which consists of sweaty bangs in the front, and a rat’s nest in the back.

2. “Run and Pee” tells you the best time during a movie to take a potty break. I could have used this during any one of the Lord of the Rings movies.

3. Did you hear a knock and no one is there? Does the hair on the back of your neck stand up when you walk by that creepy picture of your great-great-great-great Aunt Esmerelda? You need “Ghost Radar” (Legacy or Classic) to detect paranormal readings around you. Don’t be fooled by gimmicky apps, though, because this one is the best.

4. Are you a new parent, and cannot figure out why your baby is crying NOW? Download “Cry Translator” for help. (Because every baby has the same cry, donchaknow?)

Now this last app I’m going to share with you was found by typing in a bunch of random things to see if I got a bite, so please to enjoy:

5. “Ace Ear Hair Plucking Salon – Princess kids games for boys and girls”, guaranteed great ear hair plucking practice for the kiddoes when they retire.

I’m almost giddy with the choices.

There really IS an app for everything.

 

 

 

I Want a New Drug…

Leave a comment

While you cannot tell from my thick mane of glossy brunette-ness, my hair is coming in gray.  Not just one or two strands here or there, but a full on head of silvery sadness. Not the pretty kind either, I know this because a hairdresser told me once: “Many people can grow their gray hair in and it’s beautiful, unfortunately, you don’t have that kind of color.”

There might have been a boo-boo lip on my part from that.

Granny Lou, who is in her upper 80’s told me the other day: “Ohhh, I like your blonde highlights!” Silence. “Ohhhhhh, nevermind.”  Don’t worry Granny, I’ll be heading to your standing Saturday hair appointments with you soon enough.

One thing I noticed, is that gray hair is really strong. I did a test in my basement lab, and discovered it has the combined tensile strength of Kevlar, diamonds, and a Boron Nitride Nanotube.

Because of its massive strength, I may or may not have flossed my teeth with a strand. And if I did, hypotheoretically, it was for an extremely stubborn piece of Cupcake Popcornopolis brand popcorn wedged painfully in a molar.

Dyeing gray hair is a pain in the behind. I have home dyed for ages, and about a year ago I noticed that it just was not covering my “blonde highlights” any more.  So the Hunt began for the right color.  I’m really surprised my hair hasn’t completely fallen out yet. Luckily Mr. Who doesn’t notice if my hair is brown, black, or circus tent striped, so I can experiment willy-nilly.

I was thinking the other day, how fantastic it would be to take a hair dye pill.  Most people in my age range are familiar with the movie Soul Man with C. Thomas Howell made in the mid 80’s. Here was a lighthearted comedy about a rich boy whose father cut him off, so he took a tanning pill to darken his skin in order to get a scholarship to college.  Hilarity, of course ensues, then at the end *SPOILER ALERT*  it was revealed that he was Caucasian after all.

I want someone to invent that pill for real. But for hair color. How awesome would that be? “Let’s see, I think tomorrow I would like to be medium golden brown.” Smile in the mirror, pop the MGB pill, and wake up in the morning with the beautifully, and evenly, colored hair of my choice.

The only problem I foresee is this magic wonder pill will probably color all the hair on your body.  I definitely won’t be taking the blue pill in that scenario.

So, if any geniuses end up designing the formula for this, I want credit. You can call it CareHair (what? if my town has a Frogen Yozurt (I’m not kidding), then I can have CareHair). I also want some cash and free hair pills for life.

GOOD BLACK NEWS

The Good Things Black People Do, Give and Receive All Over The World

Humanity Death Watch

The Future Is Funny

CarrieLouWho

I Have No Filter!

Dear Crazy Kids,

(A note from Mom)

Greg Gotti

The writings of an American somebody

Momologues

prattles on the pathos of parenting

Jenny Kanevsky

Copywriting

Pick Any Two

Because moms can do anything, but not everything.

Love Marriage Worms

and other absurdities

Storytime with John

Pull up and listen...I've got a funny one for ya...

From diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms

Trying to keep my sanity one blog post at a time

Perpetually Irritated

Barely Containing My Inner Indignance

Sparkly Shoes and Sweat Drops

Motherhood, Mental Health, Moving Your Body

Overthinking my teaching

The mathematics I encounter in classrooms

established 1975

stories to read while pooping

www.calliefeyen.com/

"I don't know so well what I think until I see what I say; then I have to say it again." -Flannery O'Connor

Journeys of the Fabulist

Adventures With Family. (Making it up as I go along.)

%d bloggers like this: